As the announcement came today that the Irish Village in Dubai is set to welcome nineties dad-radio darlings Texas, and Scots Simple Minds – most readily associated with the theme song which launched the Premier League on Sky Sports in 1993, it kind of got us thinking that maybe we could make a push for getting over a few acts that are still in their prime, not 20 years past it? It’s worth a go for sure.

Recently, Dubai has played host to people like Bob Geldof, who was the curator of Live Aid in like 1985 or something, while Craig David and Roger Sanchez recently brought with them all the sour flavours of 2001 (a terrible year for music). And with people like Midge Ure (Geldof’s pal), Take That and then Texas and Simple Minds to look forward to, you start to wonder what’s going to be available for people under 40?

A guide to who is old, who is cold, and who it’s understood are pretty good

But not to worry, maybe it’s just that the promoters don’t know much about music, or maybe they are unsure of what’s current. After all, let us not forget that just two years ago everyone in Dubai still used a Blackberry for serious, not even ironically. We’ve always been just a touch behind.

So with that in the forefront of our minds, we have compiled a lovely visual aid as a guide for promoters on who they may want to consider getting over here to give the kids what they want, and also who they may want to think twice about, for various reasons.

Check it out, yeah?

NB: All “Urban” acts were sourced by Capital Xtra‘s number one DJ Toni Phillips. Thanks Toni! You can see her blog here, if reading blogs from radio DJ’s is your thing: lostitgirl.com

DJ Luck & MC Neat

What Year Is It?

No. If these guys cleared out Ayia Napa in five minutes, the apparent home of Garage, imagine what they could do to your club. One of them was in Saffron last year, they made him sing his own number and he couldn’t remember the one line of that song they made. He was five bottles of Moet deep, but still….

Kygo

What Year Is It?

Yes. He’d be all over it. He’d steal the show.

The Proclaimers

What Year Is It?

No. One of the cringe 80’s, 90’s and 00’s club favourites for a DJ who loves to smash down the fader on the chorus for ultimate crowd participation. Yeah it’s fun innit? No, it’s just not okay at all.

Tame Impala

What Year Is It?

Yes. Obviously.

Bon Jovi

What Year Is It?

No. Similar to The Proclaimers, that one about being “half way there” (where, by the way? Anyone think about where he is taking you?) makes a certain type of person scramble around for a penknife to perform a self-administered ear-removal procedure. He’ s already playing this year anyway, but at least it’s in Abu Dhabi. Even so, he’s like what 80? Leave the guy alone. Let him spend time with his family.

The Weeknd

What Year Is It?

Yes. Would’ve been class in 2011. Would be even better now. Get him.

Rolf Harris

What Year Is It?

No. He could be a while.

Autograf

What Year Is It?

Yes. Stuff Dreams are made of.

The Beatles

What Year Is It?

No. They broke up. The best two are sadly in a better place now. The other two could be good value, if Rupert the Bear and Thomas the Tank Engine are your things. Which they surely are. Everybody loves a bit of Thomas the Tank, right?

Etienne De Crecy

What Year Is It?

Yes. He’s been making records since before 1D were in nappies. Just released a new single called “Smile”. It’s a good one, but he’s a better DJ than producer.

Calvin Harris

What Year Is It?

No. Because Zayn Malik called him a dickhead on Twitter.

Zayn Malik

What Year Is It?

No. Because he dumped Perrie out of Little Mix.

Little Mix

What Year Is It?

No. Because Perrie might cry in the middle of it.

Robin Schulz

What Year Is It?

Yes! He is cool. Headlights is a real fave. He has played here before. We are just looking into whether that’s an advantage for getting him to come back or not.

Digitalism

What Year Is It?

Yes! One of the best Techno DJ duos out there. Get them over now.

Krept & Konan

What Year Is It?

Yes! Making things happen in London right now. Grime and that innit?! Cushty.

Foals

What Year Is It?

Yes. You don’t have their number? I can get it for you.

Bring Them All

Hopefully we can look forward to a winter of music from some of the names at the cutting edge of modern music, not those looking to pick up one last big pay packet before retirement.

It doesn’t take too much to find out who is listening to what, and which acts would be well received by residents over here. If you’re basing what you think the people want to hear by what is playlisted on Virgin Radio, that’s where you’re going wrong. You see, I’ve seen the guy that makes those decisions, and he was clicking his fingers along to the Lighthouse Family in Costa.

Google “recording artists 2015” for more information.