It’s a true story, Tuesday nights in Dubai are probably more enthusiastically received by the male population than the female. But just because it says it’s Dubai’s best ladies night, doesn’t mean it’s going to be full of ladies. Far from it in fact. It’s a painful lesson for some, but here are the ‘Top 5 Ladies Nights in Dubai’, from that all-important male perspective:

1. Zero Gravity – Near Skydive Dubai Drop Zone

Dubai’s Best Ladies Nights, For Men-Zero Gravity

Zero Gravity pretty much have Dubai sussed out. Probably because of the fact they are owned by Skydive Dubai, which blatantly has it all worked out (co-founded by His Highness Sheikh Hamdan Bin Mohammed Bin Rashid Al Maktoum, The Crown Prince of Dubai). Musically, they always stay miles clear of every other night (unless it’s DJ Tiesto you’re after), getting in 2 Many DJ’s, Mr Scruff, Jaguar Skills and Krafty Kuts in recent months to name but a few. Let me put it this way; they probably wouldn’t go in for Steve Aoki so much…. So you’d expect their Ladies Night to be a little bit different too. And it is. Lost Angels on a Tuesday has become real popular with the classier female, and for 100AED they get their own nice little civilised private area for unlimited drinks and food, before at 11pm, once they are nicely lubricated (with alcohol), the men are invited into the mix and all hell breaks loose. It’s good scenes all round.

Best Line Heard: “Could you pretend to be my girlfriend so I can get into Mahiki later?”

2. Q43 – Media One Hotel, Media City

Dubai’s Best Ladies Nights, For Men-Q34

OK so they only get three drinks for nothing, but it’s always busy, the music’s OK and it’s just easy innit?! A decent place to warm up for going on to somewhere else, it was either here or the Yacht Club for this list, but I chose Q43 as it’s nearer to home and less full of sadsacks and old people.

Best Line Heard: “Don’t worry mate, the nicest girls always turn up late in here!” (heard at 1:50am)

3. Pure Sky Lounge – The Hilton, JBR Walk

Dubai’s Best Ladies Nights, For Men-sky

If you’re after a classier standard of clientele, you’ll find a great deal of them at Pure. Free Pink Bubbly all night attracts the numbers, and the views, funky house and generally sophisticated surroundings eliminate the wheat, from the chav (see what I’ve done there?).

Best Line Heard: “Where do you live?” ‘Marina, you?’ “Barsha.” ‘See ya.’

4. The Beach House – Anantara Dubai The Palm Resort & Spa

Dubai’s Best Ladies Nights, For Men-beach house

Do the women in Dubai love free stuff? Not that I know of, but if they did, they would love that the first 50 of them through the doors at The Beach House get a nice little silk pouch containing a lovely gem! Now, 49 of the gems are not actually real, they are in fact glass, but one of them is very much real. That’s one very lucky girl per week indeed right there. It’s this sort of incentive, combined with unlimited Champagne/Prosecco/most probably Sparkling Wine for 75AED which offers the ladies all the encouragement they need to get onto the Palm on a Tuesday in really rather large numbers. When it comes to ratios, you pretty much have it nailed at The Beach House fellas…

Best Line Heard: “Let’s have a look in your pouch, love?” (followed by a bit of a stand-off).

5. Rock Bottom Café – Royal Palace Hotel, Bur Dubai or Ramee Rose, Tecom (not much between them)

Dubai’s Best Ladies Nights, For Men-rock bottom

If it all goes wrong, you can always be guaranteed entry, and a variety of ‘lively’ characters at Rocky B’s. I’ve never been myself (ahem), but them kebabs at the end (in the classier Tecom one) are probably the best thing to go home with at the end of the night.

Best Line Heard: “When you go on the stage and drink as much of that blue liquid as that covers band can physically force down your gullet, I find you very attractive…..”

NB: Some or quite possibly all of the “Best Lines Heard” could well be made up.