What the hell is going on recently? I mean we all knew there was the odd sandstorm every so often over here. What with that massive desert just over there it was always likely, but with one every other day at the moment you have to feel that someone is taking the piss.

The sandstorms we have here are hardly comparable to that made up one in Mission Impossible Dubai or whatever it’s called, but they are still annoying and stupid.

Here are some tips on what to do when one of them comes along.

Sandstorm Survival:

Firstly, don’t go outside. This should be a fairly obvious one you would think, but I suppose sometimes we should go into work or whatever, so maybe it’s unavoidable on occasions.

Don’t put washing out to dry. You’d think this was obvious too but apparently it’s lost on some. It blows away/gets sandy and needs rewashing.

Do wear your seatbelt for once in the back of a taxi. Maybe they might crash. Although they are clearly great drivers, sand in the air can cause unexpected havoc.

Don’t smoke outdoors. It makes your throat hurt as you’re also intaking half the desert among that lovely tar, nicotine and carbon monoxide.

Do bed down for the foreseeable future. Stockpile cigarettes, a bottle of vodka, and tins of Heinz Beans and Sausages plus I suppose a bit of water too. These items may well save your life as we traverse the apocalypse.

Sorted. Chicken franks obviously.

Don’t walk around with one of them face masks on like you’re trying to avoid contracting the SARS virus. You ain’t a surgeon, you’re a maniac.

Do make sure you have loads of boxsets downloaded or purchased in hard copy format. You never know when the solid gold internet services offered by Etisalol and Du could go down due to sand infestation.

Don’t leave your windows or doors open. Why anyone would do this we will literally never know. But apparently some people have done this.

But I only opened up the door for a minute to put my washing out

Do put up your Christmas Tree, turn the AC to its coldest level, wear a scarf and hat and pretend it’s kinda snowing outside. This one involves much effort and imagination. But it’s achievable if you put your mind to it.

Stay safe during your sandstorm. For real tips on how to survive a sandstorm, go to a better website.